A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk.. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’

’Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.

OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.....’

To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”

If a BARBER makes a mistake, it's a new style.....................

If a DRIVER makes a mistake, it's an accident.....................

If a DOCTOR makes a mistake, it's an operation....................

If an ENGINEER makes a mistake, it is a new venture...............

If a POLITICIAN makes a mistake, it is a new law..................

If a SCIENTIST makes a mistake, it is a new invention.............

If a TAILOR makes a mistake, it is a new fashion..................

If a TEACHER makes a mistake, it is a new theory..................

If a STUDENT makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE" !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable.

At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening orders seriously:

"I'm making 2 cups of coffee instead of 5 a day from the office kitchen" said one of the staffs.

"I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to" one staf noted.

"I'm using 1 roll of toilet paper instead of 2 rolls a day" said the other who mentioned that he used to spend 2 hours in the office toilet a day.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, “So how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there’s no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: “Don’t step on the ducks.”

The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, “The ducks?” “Yes,” St. Peter Said. “There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they’re all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you’ll be punished.”

The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking. St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, “Who stepped on a duck?” “I did,” admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man’s face, and he cuffed him to the woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” St. Peter said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, “What have I done to deserve this?” The woman replied: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

# Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

# Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

# Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

# Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

# Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

# Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

# Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

# Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

# Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

# Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

# Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

# Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty.."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that.

That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectal deodorant.

The pharmacist explains to the man they don't sell rectal deodorant and that in fact he's never heard of it before.

The man assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the man.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes!" said the man, "I'll go home and get it."

He returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to him, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the man snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."