The social studies teacher had just completed a lesson on war and peace.

"How many of you," the teacher asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"

Not surprisingly, every student in the class raised their hand.

"Who would like to give us their reason for being opposed to war?"asked the teacher. Little Johnny, sitting at the back of the class,immediately raised his hand.

"Johnny, what is your reason?" the teacher asked.

"I hate wars," explained Johnny, "because wars make history, and I hate History!"

Three dead bodies turn over the weekend, all with very big smiles on their faces. Monday morning, the coroner calls the homicide chief to tell him of the weekend's events.

The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72-year-old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"Makes sense," the detective says, scribbling some notes.

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won ten thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

"Got it," the Inspector said. "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."

"Well, why the heck is she smiling, then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Tragic," the coroner said. "She thought she was having her picture taken."

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try to fool me because I can tell the difference."

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."

The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"

Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that`s the real thing."

A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one."

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"

The drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said........ .."Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"

This is for Lazy people

A woman was at her hairdresser' s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 'Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?'
We're taking Continental, ' was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'

'Continental? ' exclaimed the hairdresser. ' That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?'

'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.'

'Don't go any further I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?'

'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.

'That's rich,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

'It was wonderful,' explained the woman, 'not only were we on time in one of Continental' s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

'And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'

'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the
Pope.'

'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

'Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
down and he spoke a few words to me.

'Oh, really!What'd he say ?'

He said: 'Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?'

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, 'Good morning sisters.'

The novices replied, 'Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you.' But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, 'I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.' This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, 'Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today.'

'Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you.' But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, 'She got out of the wrong side of bed today.' Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. 'Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.'

'Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.' Mother Superior was floored!

'Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me.'

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.

'Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.

Ben never saw action on his high school football team. One day, the assistant coach gave him a pep talk.

"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no 'I' in 'team'."

"True," said the boy. "But there is a 'Ben' in 'bench'."

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

1. The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”
2. I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.
3. Crime doesn’t pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?
4. This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
5. Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
6. I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
7. Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
8. What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
9. I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
10. When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
11. Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H
12. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
13. Never forget that you’re unique, just like everyone else.
14. I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
15. What do u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come.
16. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
17. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
18. If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
19. Born Free… Taxed to Death.
20. We will now upgrade your brain, please wait… searching… searching… still searching… sorry NO BRAIN found.

With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary."

Pete: "I'm going back to go get her."

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years hey had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.