A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.

The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, " Father, may I ask a favor?"

" Of course. What may I do for you?"

" Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

" I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

" With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, " Father, do you have anything to declare ?"

" From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, " And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

" I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, " Go ahead, Father - - Next!"

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night."
He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

I am not Sleeping

Angry Baby

Bike Racing

Crazy Dreamer

Vacation Time

Early Exploration

Young Ornithologist

Hangover

Toast for Friendship

Party after Exam

1.You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.

2.You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."

3.There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."

4.Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5.Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6."There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."

7.Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8.What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9.Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10.You will forget all this.

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else

What is the biggest ant in the world? An elephant!

Why did the kid study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education!

Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA? Because it has 4 A's and one B!

Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it's too far to walk!

What runs but never walks? Water!

What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive? A Minnie van!

How did Noah see the animals on the Ark at night? With flood lights!

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headache. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,

"How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 38."

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head,

"You can't wear a size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit ?400
New shirt ?50
New underwear ?6
Second opinion: PRICELESS !!!

Dear Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly?

If one of my cheques is returned marked ?insufficient funds,?

how do I know whether that refers to me, or to you?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.

Charlie followed the priest before the next race. Again, the priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!

The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the priest with another horse. He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $20,000 - went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!

He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke. He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the priest.

He found him and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"

The priest said, "That's the trouble with you. You can't tell the difference between a blessing and Last Rites!"

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A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.

"Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," as the reporter.

"Well, I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer. "And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women."

Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of whisky in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit.

"What was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter.

Replied the old geezer, "Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!"

This becomes effective January 1, 2009 EVERYWHERE.

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly Designed seat belt.





Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45%

when the belt is properly installed.

Correct Installation is illustrated below.......

Please pass on to family and friends.

THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!

I KNOW....YOU SMILED.




i know all of u agree with the fact, all those who agrees send it further n those not agree send it back to me(girls excused from voting)......

Bernie is walking down High Street in Brooklyn when he notices the following sign in the shop window of 'Moshe's Kosher Emporium' -ALL THE DEVCIES YOU NEED FOR YOUR HOEM
So he goes inside and asks to see Moshe.

"Can I help you, sir?" Moshe asks Bernie.

"I just wanted to point out that you have two spelling errors in the sign you have in your window."
"Yes, I know," says Moshe. "It's a deliberate marketing policy. You see, we get around a dozen people coming in here each day to point this out to us, and of these, at least 3 or 4 buy something. And now that you're in here, sir, can I interest you in our special low price for a kitchen table and four chairs?"

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Back off, Stasiu" she said. "Dose are for da funeral. "

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He added that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed and collected, the pastor saw that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation. "Someone has blessed us with a $1,000 donation!" he announced. "Please let me know who you are. I want to personally thank you."

A woman in the back of the church who looked to be in her late 40's raised her hand.
"Please come up front," the pastor said. The woman made her way up front.

"Thank you for your wonderfully generous gift to the church," the pastor said. "Please, I would like you to pick out three hymns."

The woman's eyes brightened. She looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"

On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against a wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied none the less, "I earn $2000 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $ 6000 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 months' salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who 's the young man that I just fired ?"

To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir!!!"

Dave and his wife had returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment.
Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to Mother!"

One day, a patient was taken into operation theatre. The door got closed (and the red light was on; just like in our movies). Suddenly the patient jumped out from the stretcher and started running out from the hospital.

Doctor ordered the staff to bring the guy back by saying "It's not the patient who is running out, it's our prestige..!".

Finally, the staff made the patient into the hospital, and asked him "what happened?"

The patient replied that the nurse was explaining "The appendix operation is very minor operation and there is nothing to worry. Don't get panic."

Everyone surprised. They explained the patient that there is nothing wrong in whatever the nurse has said.

Then the patient revealed that the nurse was explaining this to the doctor..!!

If you’re sitting next to someone on a plane who irritates you, try doing this:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start it up.
4. Make sure the fellow traveller who is annoying you can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and move your lips like you are praying.
6. Then click here.

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage.

Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship,so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers from Singapore.
She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mabel, and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear.

Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."

"Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

There Are At Least EIGHT Types Of ORGASM FOR A WOMAN.

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes......... ......
2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No.......... .......
3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No.........
4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming...... ....
5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God......... ......... ....
6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More........ ......... .
7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you
8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH.. .Deeper.. .Deeper.. . GO DEEPER!!

U want to know ….what competition is????? …..


Here is a little glimpse of that……



This is a hoarding Jet Airways put at a busy road in Mumbai (bandra road )

AFTER A FEW DAYS ...

and FINALLY ...

the most happening……
Last hoarding says "It's enough else plane might crash in it".

Three contractors . . . One from India, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. A senior White House official takes them to examine it.

The English contractor: takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will cost $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."

The German contractor: also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, ?I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official incredulously says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work!"
Guess who got the contract.... ......... ............!!

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a modern marriage - equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.

She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"

Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"

Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"

Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."