# Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

# Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

# Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

# Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

# Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

# Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

# Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

# Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

# Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

# Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

# Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

# Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty.."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that.

That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectal deodorant.

The pharmacist explains to the man they don't sell rectal deodorant and that in fact he's never heard of it before.

The man assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the man.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes!" said the man, "I'll go home and get it."

He returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to him, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the man snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."